Go on, get out from under my feet! I've got housework to do! I only just finished breakfast!
Yes, you take too long over breakfast!
A person needs time to digest! Legs as long as yours are not compatible with a vacuum cleaner!
It's only just daylight out here! Oh, get some fresh air! Enjoy yourself!
Enjoy yourself... Huh!
I wish she'd throw thee out more quietly! It's really getting to be a nuisance.
To tell the truth, Smiler, tha's not environmentally-friendly.
I wish she wouldn't throw me out at all! All I want is to sit for five minutes and read a newspaper!
She never let her husband read a newspaper, so what chance has a lodger got?
That man there! I wonder if you'd mind passing me my walking-stick.
Stick? In the gutter by your feet.
Thank you.
Where are you? Just above you.
Now, if you'd just pass me my stick.
Come in, Howard, why don't you (?) I don't want Pearl to know I've been.
At that speed, I hardly know you've been. What are you up to?
Me? Up to something? If Pearl finds me, tell her you invited me in to ask my advice about double glazing.
What do you know about double glazing? Well, nothing. But you can't be expected to know that.
You probably think I'm quite expert on double glazing. So you invited me in. I'm lost already, Howard.
Anyway, I'm not getting involved between you and Pearl. Naturally! No-one expects you to!
Howard, how is it you're able to lie so early in the morning?
Self-defence.
Keep away! Listen, why don't tha get rid of Smiler? Tha's no need of a lodger, wi' ME next-door!
Keep away! Does tha realise there's only a wall - only the thickness of brick between us and Paradise!
You've always been as thick as a brick.
I could knock a hole, and we could live together and no-one need know.
I wouldn't live with you! My legs are shorter than Smiler's. They'd keep out of the vacuum cleaner! Oh!
Listen, has tha ever considered running away with a short one? We don't take up much room, tha knows!
Oh, go on! Be off! HE CACKLES
What are you doing up a tree?
I can't discuss it openly because of your lack of security clearance. Let's just say old habits die hard.
Habits?
Yes. When I was locked in mortal struggle with the Japanese in Burma, I was practically always up a tree.
Not the same tree, of course. No, no, no. I've been up trees all over Burma.
There was a time when there were three crack Japanese regiments doing nothing but hunt for me.
They began to believe what the natives whispered. Natives...?
Yes, a rather simple, childlike people, totally unaware of the benefits of Blanco.
They used to credit me with the power of becoming invisible. They said I vanished like magic.
"He who melts into darkness" they used to call me.
How come they never found you if you kept dropping your walking-stick?
Civilian! CRE-E-EAK !
THUMP !
You're making me nervous, Howard. You've got something on your mind.
That's a nice thing to say when all I've done is to call round to invite you out for a drink! A drink?
I've only just had my breakfast! I don't mean NOW ! I mean later!
I thought it would be nice if you called for me later and we went out for a drink. If I called for you?
You're inviting me for a drink but I've got to call for you? Well, yes...
It looks more natural if you call for me. If I can say to Pearl, "Oh, look! Cleggy's called!
"He wants me to go for a drink!" And guess who's going to be at the pub. Marina.
I can't tell who's going to be in a pub, can I ? It's a free country. Not at your house, it isn't, Howard.
There are people out there in short sleeves! Girls in summer dresses. The sun shining, birds singing...
How long have you been a lover of the great outdoors?
Well, let's put it another way! How long are you going to sit there over one cup of tea?
Is there a time limit? Yes, there is! Well...I'll have another cup.
Oh, no, you won't! I've got to prepare for the lunchtime trade.
I get thrown out at Nora Batty's and now I get thrown out of catering establishments!
A body can't find a place to rest his head!
Smiler, you've got the kind of head that's had all the rest it needs!
Out!
Oh...
Hey up! It's our little ray of sunshine again! Oh... I've been turfed out of me lodgings,
and thrown out of the cafe, and it's not mid-morning yet! Listen, tha ought to leave Nora Batty's. Leave?
You don't think I wouldn't if I had the nerve? I'd give £50 to anyone who'd get me out without any fuss!
Fifty pounds !?
Morning, ladies!
Well, you heard what he said. He'd give £50 to anyone who'd set him free.
Well, you were there. You were witnesses. He did. He said 50 quid.
Well, you can call me superstitious, but there are some things in life that you just don't interfere with,
and one of them is Nora Batty.
Don't be like that, Norm. How does tha think I feel, with a bloke living next-door with my bird?
It's time he was O-U-T. Out.
For 50 pounds, he's out.
Yes, and you're out too. Some people round here seem to think a cuppa tea buys them board and lodging. Out!
HOOVERING
HOOVER STOPS 'Are you on the phone?' What would I be doing on the phone, Precious?
'Don't "Precious" me! You WERE on the phone!'
Possibly you're referring to me ringing up for the weather forecast.
'I can tell you your forecast. Wet and windy!'
HOOVERING RESUMES
It's a simple tactical problem.
Getting Smiler away from Nora Batty shouldn't be beyond the reach of the military mind.
Military? What are you planning - send in a raiding party and snatch him? Well, I could, you know.
It's just the kind of operation that comes natural to me. He does talk some twollop.
I could organise a raid to get him out. No problem. Thing is, what would we do with him afterwards?
Are we going to give him lodging? No, we're looking for a permanent solution here. Don't lie.
Tha's looking for Smiler's £40 quid. I'm not in the least interested in the money,
which, incidentally, is £50.
There must be a way! For those of us who've completed an NCO's course, there's always a way.
Well, tha'd better find one. It's time Smiler was out.
I don't like anybody living next-door with my bird. Well, Smiler's nerve has gone completely.
That's true. He's obviously not steady under fire. Oh, the man's a wreck.
I don't care. I don't like even a wreck living with my bird!
Try to get the door open quicker! You never know who's watching. But you've a damn good idea.
Well, I'll have to hurry. I've left something on the boil. What? Pearl.
I just wanted to remind you to call for me for a drink tonight.
HOWARD !
Did you call, love?
I'll say this much for the extra-maritals. You do get exercise.
That's it! That's what we need!
Not me! I'm not going to be a lover! I'll give it a whirl.
No, no, not us! Smiler! Smiler's got to become a lover!
SMILER !?
Smiler's bound to be in here. He gets thrown out of everywhere else.
Oh, o-o-oh!
Norman Clegg that was! I always knew you had the eyes of a reader! Well, just two like anybody else...
Oh, you can't fool me, Norman Clegg! Oooh, I bet you love to browse through the various shelves,
looking for tales of romance and love's immortal splendour!
Well, actually, I prefer h-horror stories.
Hey up, Norm. Since when has tha been interested in h-horror stories? Oh, sh-shut up.
We're just looking for a certain gentleman. Aren't we all?
Call me if ever you fancy an evening discussing literature!
Hey up, Norm! I reckon tha could be lucky there! Has she gone?
Yes, you can open your eyes now.
You see, what we have to do is shape him up a bit and turn him into a... well, into a Romeo. Him?
Tha'd have a better chance with Eli! We've got our work cut out to get Smiler looking like a lover.
What's he going to make love to? Well, Nora Batty, of course!
That's it! Pull down the curtain! Goodnight, Vienna! Not so loud!
I'm not standing for anybody frolicking about with my bird!
Ah! I been wanting to speak to you!
How did he do that?
Pretend to be in love with Nora Batty?
Just pretend! I want thee to keep that clear in your mind!
Em... I think he'll remember that.
I can't do it.
It's not easy. I've had to work up to it over the years.
You want her to get rid of you permanently, don't you?
But having to pretend to be in love with Nora Batty...
What if word gets round? Who's going to tell? Not her. Not you. True...
I hate to inject a sour note here,
but if you're expecting him to make a pass at Nora Batty, then you're putting this boy's life in danger!
Exactly. It's perfect. As soon as you make a move in the lover-boy direction, you're out on your ear.
He'd better be!
But...what if she fancies me?
It's very unlikely.
I agree! Very unlikely! It'd better be!
Oh...
DOORBELL
What's this, a deputation? Don't stand out there looking unmarried, it unsettles Howard.
We, eh... We were wondering if Howard would care to join us for a drink. We need his advice.
Howard's advice? All I can say is, SOMEBODY's in deep trouble! It's for you!
Did you call, Precious? You've been invited out for a drink.
Oh! And don't be long!
Not now, Cleggy! I meant later! Some time this evening! After dark!
Something's come up. We need your advice.
You want me to teach him how to be a lover? Just a few basics. He doesn't need the whole course.
He'd better not!
Just the opening moves, Howard. I don't know why you should think I know anything about things like that.
We don't want any really big secrets, Howard.
Nothing tricky like jumping off bridges with boxes of chocolates.
Come on, Howard. There's nobody got more practice than thee.
Just give him a few hints. You know, a few tips. Who's the woman? Who's he going to have to romance?
Yes, well... Ahem... Nora Batty.
Ye gods! Well, you need somebody with more experience than me!
We don't want him too good! We just want him to give a quick impression.
The quicker the better!
So where does he start? It's where he's going to STOP that worries me!
And ME !
We're waiting, Howard.
They can do wonders these days with plastic surgery.
For him or for her?
Nora's all right as she is!
Let's bring it down to something practical, Howard.
Well, he could buy her a little gift.
That's it. A gift.
He said a LITTLE gift. You heard him. He only said a LITTLE gift.
You're going to be a really reckless lover, Smiler!
Go on!
Look, I'll wait outside. She'll SELL me something! Come on!
There's safety in numbers! That's what General Custer was relying on.
Yes, but he wasn't a proper soldier. His hair was too long.
What's tha going to buy? Can't I just buy a little bunch of flowers?
It has to be something lasting, to make it look as if you're serious. A little bunch of PLASTIC flowers.
'THE DOORS ARE LOCKED BEHIND YOU, SO IF YOU'VE POCKETED ANYTHING, PUT IT BACK !
'THIS ESTABLISHMENT PERSECUTES SHOPLIFTERS !'
Oh! A coach party! Things are looking up!
We're not all buying. It's just him. There's no need for that attitude. Why don't you keep an open mind?
Wallet. She means, "open wallet". We're looking for a little romantic gift for this gentleman here.
Well, I suppose that's nicer than just holding his hand.
No, no, it's for his lady friend.
The world gets more complicated every day. How far is he willing to go?
Not very far. Even less.
I was thinking of something more of sentimental value than expensive.
You've heard, haven't you? Don't lie. Word's got round.
You've come to take advantage of an old lady's mid-season offer on, eh...antique jewellery.
I wasn't thinking of going as far as jewellery!
I don't know! It gets harder for an old lady to scrape a living!
Can you believe how black they get?
Our house had a black-leaded stove whiter than that!
You can't keep clean when you're fiddling with an engine.
He turns the same colour if he's just changing a fuse!
When they're two, they're playing with mudpies. When they're 72, they're still at it.
They're like terriers. Never happy unless they're rolling in something.
Or WITH something.
Still, you know where you are with the grimy ones. It's the clean ones you have to watch out for.
That's true. There's something very unnatural about the clean ones.
My Barry's clean. Well, keep your eye on him!
When can you STOP keeping an eye on them?
When they've been dead about six months is the recognised safe period.
Here we are. OHH ! Oh. No, you have it.
As soon as Nora appears, go up and get it over with.
I wish I'd never been born! Tell her it's been burning inside!
She'll think he's criticising her cooking!
Tell her it's something that's been growing on you.
It's got too big to keep quiet. And tell her from a distance! No snuggling up!
I didn't mean to spend so much on earrings! What about me?
I never meant to spend ANYTHING on earrings! What chance have I got of wearing these?
I told you she'd sell me something. Oh, stop complaining. I've always wanted a pair of antique earrings.
For goodness sake! Straighten up! Try and look like a lover!
Could you just run through it again, what I have to say?
You sit her down... Tricky. She's always rushing about with a duster.
And you say, "Nora... I must have a word with you, Nora."
I usually call her "Mrs Batty". Glad to hear it!
And then you tell her you love her.
"I love you, Mrs Batty"? Sounds a bit formal to me!
Well, it's a formal occasion.
I should hope so! Some great long dollop making love to my bird !?
Well, get on with it, man. Have you got your earrings? We've ALL got our earrings!
Well, go on! Get it over with!
And no physical contact! Tha makes love to her from a distance!
That's an idea! Couldn't I do it over the telephone?
She's not ON the telephone!
Oh, there's always a snag!
How long has he been in there? About 30 seconds longer than the last time you asked.
I don't like it! Can tha hear anything? Not a sound. Maybe she's killed him.
Maybe she's kissing him! I've got to go next-door!
NORA BATTY: Go on!
It's worked! It's worked!
Guess who! Oh, keep away! I've had enough trouble today for one day!
Lunatic men! Listen, lass, tha doesn't know how grand it feels now everything's back to normal!
Agh! Go on with you!
Go on!